Gotta get out of here and retreat to the beaches, away from all the blinding city lights illuminating the walls of my room as I try to close my eyes, as I try to fall asleep. As I try to fall into my dreams. Sirens always blaring and never ending Friday nights are wearing me out. Broadway is killing me slowly, but surely, I better move fast and get myself out of here faster than I've ever run from anywhere before. Gotta get out of here and run away from all of these concrete covered dreams that I clung so tightly to. I was disillusioned by the hope that I could find something so much more amazing than I could ever find back home. Sirens always blaring    and    never    ending    Saturday    nights     are     wearing     me     out.
No, nothing  can keep  me here (I'd rather drive from town to town than stay here).

PUBLIC: so I leave you with this... Thursday → 7.17.08 • 4:18AM
mood: lol?????

My life has taken a lot of unexpected turns over the past few months. All I can say is during everything, good or great or bad or worse, I knew there was a reason and that every problem has a way of fixing itself whether it's the ending you wanted or not. Either way it's always for the best. Lucky for me, all my endings ended the way I hoped. Maybe with little twists that I wasn't anticipating, but in the end, everything works out. Everything is okay.

One of my cats, who thinks everything (including live wires and bra straps) is a chew toy, is hanging out next to me and I finally understand that life is good. I've given up on worry and confusion and have learned to trust, even if it does require some fear first. Maybe I'm only saying this because I just found relief in an unexpected place and feel great about the world around me, but I still believe it. And maybe the only reason I've got any hope left is because I've found what I've been looking for since 2002, but at least I can say I made it to this point. And maybe my happiness requires a little help from a pill, but no one can tell me I haven't earned this myself.

I'm in love with my boyfriend. I'm in love with my cats. I'm in love with my apartment. I'm in love with my family and my friends. I'm in love with the green grass and the blue sky. I understand how the world is supposed to be and I'm finally getting the opportunity to live how I always wanted.

To anyone who knew me 6-7 years ago, or has followed after that, you saw me at my worst. When all that defined me was the cuts on my arms and I was trying to figure out the least terrifying way to end it all. Today I'm just glad I kept myself alive long enough to see how the suffering would end. Because it has (for now??) and I know this is how it's supposed to be. I experienced the terrible to get to the perfect and I've never been so proud of myself for being here. I'm alive and I made it and I finally get it. And I know that no matter what happens from now on, everything is going to be okay--in the end. Everything is worth it. Life is worth it.

I love you all.

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PUBLIC: homies only Thursday → 3.4.04 • 5:53PM
mood: this gum hurts my jaw

so i guess this is the soundtrack to the summer? you've been sick since april which is about how long i've know you. lately you've been staying over because you can't bring yourself to go home and you say you don't remember what it's like to be more or less content with your life. well, here's a little jogger for your memory if you can't quite recall the countless nights we stayed awake trying to forget about the fall: we were sitting in my room, not getting tired after two a.m. we were listening to "the wild, the innocent, and the e street shuffle". we were sitting up in bed and i was playing with your hair and you said "the summer isn't over yet but i feel like the trees are already dead" and i said "maybe that's just something inside of you that's been blooming and dying for years", and you left with my sweatshirt like you always did, loudly out my front door and quietly into your side one. and when i finally convinced you to come back out i took you for a walk and we talked about all the things i'd been afraid to say for the last six months. do you remember now? well, do you?

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